Why I Cry.

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I’m really good at convincing myself that a scenario in my head (made up stuff) is true. I’m so good that I will get myself bawling before I talk myself down from a tizzy. Two examples of this. My sophomore year of college, I was living with the girl I lived with our freshman year. On Halloween, she went out and I stayed in watching “Ghost Hunters” in the dark. Now, “Ghost Hunters” is not scary but I had gotten myself scared. I had dozed off and my roommate snuck in and was taking off her shoes when I got startled awake. I started yelling “HEY! HEY YOU! GET OUT OF MY ROOM!” She looks at me seriously and goes “Megan, I live here”. Oh yeah.

The second example comes from last night and isn’t funny. I was in the shower and that’s where I do all my best thinking. On Friday, I was talking to my mom and however it came up, I don’t know but I had asked my mom if they were ever concerned I have never really dated and not really because that was always a part of my life that I’ve always been in charge of. Last night, I started wondering what would happen if I couldn’t ever have children. I started wondering what level of devastation I would be in. How would I tell my spouse and loved ones and I started bawling. In the shower. Over a hypothetical situation. I realize this is a hypothetical situation but that doesn’t mean that I can’t cry about it. Let me explain my thinking.

At this point of my life, I know that children are a ways off but I have always known that I am meant to get married and have children. In that order. If you had kids before marriage, I don’t condemn that, but it’s not the way I have my life planned. And I will not be waiting long after I’m married to have kids. But I have never doubted this is the plan that God has for me. So I know that it’s going to happen. My junior year of high school, when I was sort dated this guy (it was a weird situation) I told him, I WILL be having children one day. Needless to say, that relationship didn’t last. (I said it because came up one day) Here’s why I was crying over it.

I know of women that have wanted children themselves, children that they make with their spouses and desperately want children and can’t have children of their own and it devastates them. My heart broke. My heart broke in a way that it hasn’t in a while because I saw this situation like never before. I started to realize how much pain there came with the news that you would never have a child grow in your womb even though you desperately wanted it. It would crush me.

Now, I’m not a person who likes to admit they cry. I will hold the tears until I’m alone and then they start flowing. I don’t think that there’s anything wrong in crying. Sometimes they are a sign of strength and needed. I just don’t like to cry. Like a I said a few posts ago, I’m usually the strong one or think I need to be the strong one. So last night wasn’t so much fun for me. I get all emotional in the shower. It’s how I like to spend a Saturday night? I need to learn that it’s okay to cry. But my tears are not weak, they are a sign of love.

So I read Beauty and the Beast by Jenni James. Not a hard book so it didn’t take me long to read. I love the story of Beauty and the Beast I believe I’ve said that numerous times. With that said, I wasn’t a big fan of the book. It wasn’t a bad book, I gave it 3 starts on GoodReads but I didn’t like the writing style. It was written very fairy tale-ish, which the story is but it seemed very…..I don’t know. I just didn’t like the writing style. I did like that the Beast was a wolf and that Cecilia named him what she did as a wolf. It was a good story with a good concept, which made up for the writing a little for me. Good read, especially if you have kids that like fairy tales. this was the first in a series and I don’t think that I will be continuing it because I didn’t love this book as much as I wanted to.

Funny story: I had a former roommate get married yesterday. Neither me or our other roommate were invited but today I wrote on the single roommate’s wall “One roommate married…..who’s next?” The response….”Please, let it be me. LOL!” She’s not getting married for a while. The married roommate liked it.

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