So this has been an awful week. If I wasn’t having issue before keeping positive, I am now. This is the closest I’ve ever been to being depressed. I cant keep my emotions in check and it’s kind of not good. It’s actually horrible because it’s affecting a very important relationship. But this isn’t the time or place to talk about that because it involves people, including me, that need this to be private.
Anyway. 30 days until I go home. That’s really exciting and really sad. I’ve had a rough year in Hungary, so that’s the exciting part of going home, but I have made some really good friends here and for the most part love the Hungarian people, that’s the really sad part of this. I don’t think a lot of people realize how drastic these feelings are. I was recently trying to explain to someone all the emotions I have and so I started listing them off. I didn’t even go into the magnitude that I have emotions. A lot of people don’t realize how strong you feel emotions when you are overseas. Prior to this experience, I was mellow. I was a rock that people depended on. I had emotions but I could push them away so I could move on with life. And there are very few people that saw the emotions that I was feeling. Forget that when I moved to Hungary. Let’s put you in a culture that’s vastly different from your own and a language you don’t speak. Not easy to begin with and then you start a job you are not properly trained for and member care you don’t here from very often. It escalates quickly. You feel like you have no where to turn and these emotions sometimes feel like they come out of no where, pretty much like an imaginary brick wall. That happened to me the other day at a really bad time. I always feel really guilty when that happens. The person that I’m talking to when these emotions come isn’t asking for me to practically run away from them because I don’t want them to know how scared I am of these emotions. But at the same time, it would be nice for people to know how scary these emotions are and understand how bad it is.
I was just talking to the other American teacher the other day about what’s going on in life. I don’t let people in my life very easily and I figure it’s mostly because of the fear of rejection or ridicule. I mean, a little because I don’t like some people but that’s not often that I use that excuse.
I know I’m going to go back home and there’s going to be some people that are going to expect me to be very similar to how I was before Hungary and be able to pop right back into fitting in and there is going to be a lot of pressure to be like that. But the thing is, I don’t fit in anymore. God has changed my heart and it will continue to change drastically in the months following my return. Knowing me, I’m going to push to fit in and give myself a time limit on when I should be ‘normal’ again. But I can’t. My old normal is never going to be normal again. Normal is changing all the time. I had a hard time with that when I came to Hungary and it’s going to be hard when I go back. Is my new normal better than the old normal? It’s a good question that I think shouldn’t be answered.
UPDATE! I’m not trying to give the illusion that I have the worst overseas experience ever. (Amanda Knox anyone?) I’m just trying to convey that there’s a lot people don’t understand when people go overseas for a year and not to try to expect much from that person. That’s all. I’m fine. Trust me. Whatever I’m feeling or how strong it is, I’ll be okay. There are people in their native country that have it worse.
I leave Budapest in 42 days. Done with school in 39. I have a lot planned fun and more business days. Here’s things I realized or learned.
1. I’m scared. I’m not sure how I’m going to react to “re-entry”. I’ve been reading some about this and have been talking a little about this with people. For those of you who don’t know what re-entry is, it’s when a person goes back to their own culture. Adjusting to Hungary was an interesting transition and though I think it wasn’t a big deal, it was. Re-entry will be a big deal too. I was talking to my boss last week via Skype. During this conversation I got a little nervous. I started to read articles about re-entry. This one is my favorite because it describes how I feel. I realize that I am going to have a hard time with family gatherings. It’s going to be a place in time that I feel like I’m going to be asked and feel obligated to tell everything and I don’t want to. I also feel like my family is going to be expecting me to be normal and I’m not. I’m changed. But it’s a process and I can’t rush it.
2. I have a love/hate relationship with Hungary. I have 4 different days. 1. I love Hungary. 2. I hate Hungary 3. I could take it or leave it. 4. I question everything. It goes from day to day how I feel and sometimes how I feel differs with the parts of the day. Sunday I loved Hungary and Monday I hated it.
3. I have a passion for one on one relationships. I knew this before but it’s more in me than before.
4. I go inside more. I do that more now. Something happens and I go inside. And I feel myself pulling away from friendships more. It’s my defense mechanism. I did this before Hungary but I do it way more now.
5. I feel emotions more. Living over seas makes things more intense. That’s my life right now and I hate it. Back home, I’m usually private. To the point I get uncomfortable talking about my emotions and usually push emotions aside. Here I feel emotions 100% more than I’m used to and it’s not in my comfort zone.
There’s more and there’s more details. Obviously. I have spent almost 9 months here, there’s going to be a list. I just wanted to give people a short list or an insight on what I’m learning.
And let it be known that there are things going on in life back home that I am not comfortable talking about. It also deals with a person that I talk about regularly here on the blog. And it’s hard being here in Hungary when they’re back there hurting.
Yesterday, my first class was my lowest level class. It was the first day after a 4 day weekend and our schedule is a little confused because the seniors are testing. Anyway. These kids have been talking about going to the doctor and I brought in a worksheet. Most of the vocab, they knew but there was some new stuff to stretch them. One of the new words was diarrhea. Then they ask me. “Miller? What is Diarrhea?” “Okay, this will be very non-teacher like of me guys, but you know when you poop and it comes out watery with chunks in it? That is diarrhea?” Confused looks. So I start thinking of other ways to describe it. “Miller? What is poop?” Ah crap I think. (Exact thought. I promise) “Okay, crap, shit. The chunks that come out when you sit on the toilet. That is poop and if it looks like water and has chunks in it and you do it a lot in a short time, that is diarrhea.” Of course that would set in. They knew the words crap and shit. It was then the light bulb came on and they were like “OH!!!!!” and they tell everyone who did not understand what it is in Hungarian. Every once in a while you just have to curse in class.