Where I become a frustrated Christian


So let’s recap on my life over the past few years. I quit my museum manager job, a career in a town I really liked, to work with a Christian non-profit to teach English to Hungarian teenagers. So basically I was a missionary. I came home after a year to some not good relationships. Mainly with the friend who lost her dad while I was gone, making her an orphan at 25 and a sister-in-law who was cheating on my brother and eventually became an ex-sister-in-law.

I came back with a limping spirit. I was trying to come to terms with being a failure in what I went to Hungary to do, I was trying to deal with being in my home country, I was failing in being a friend to a grieving friend. I slipped into a depression. (Sort of still undiagnosed. It’s a long story.) It took me a long time to feel normal. The first time I felt a glimmer of being normal, it was about 15 months after coming home when I took a weekend trip by myself to the South Dakota Black Hills. It took me even longer to feel consistently normal and okay. Alright, it was time and medication.

I have been back home just over 3 years and this is where I’m at. I’m still living in my hometown and working at a nursing home. I have pretty much no contact with the ex-sister-in-law. The orphaned friend and I have had a very tumultuous relationship and now we have a friendship but still a little distant with each other. I have a medication that is keeping me emotionally level. I got a Florence. I am okay.

There is a thing though. I have never sat down and truly thought what I have thought about missions.

Recently there have been a couple things placed in my life that has made me think how I feel about missions and the church.

I stumbled upon a podcast called Failed Missionary. It literally got me worked up. There’s like 4 episodes but I got tense. I agreed with so much anger and frustration these people have. I understand and get why they don’t want to be missionaries anymore. I get missing the community. I get how missions can hurt the Church. This podcast made me tense cause I have sat and thoroughly thought of what I think and the questions have never been asked to me. Then I got frustrated cause there is no one within a 100 mile radius that I talk to on a regular basis that understands the emotional implications of coming home after being in missions.

Another thing was listening to the audiobook of Jamie Wright’s book The Very Worst Missionary. I agree with her on a lot of things too. There’s a part of me that wants to be best friends with her. Like she gets it. She understands the struggle being away and coming back.

Finally, a friend of mine is dealing with her boyfriend that works with youth in the church and slept with a married woman before they started dating and then lied to her about it. I don’t agree with her staying with him. And I see issues with how that situation is being dealt with in the church even if the majority of the church doesn’t know. I can only be so blunt with her. She will stay in a relationship until she sees through the words.

Do I believe in Christ? Yes absolutely. Do I think foreign missions is great? I think it can be if the missionary is doing it right and it’s a long term commitment. It should be a relationship thing with missions in the far reaches of your brain. Yes speak about your faith but set yourself apart by your actions and people will come to you. Do I believe the church is a good thing? That’s a tough question because people are flawed. And each church is different. I believe that fellowship is good. Learning and growing in Christ is good. But people can be horrible, even if they’re Christians. I think there’s a church for everyone. There will always be disagreements on something no matter where you go and with at least one person. But, the fellowship and community is a good thing.

I have opinions. Some of them can be harsh. I understand that. But what I’ve realized is that the older one gets, the more one realizes and learns. It’s hard not to be jaded or harsh on some things.


About frustratedreader

I'm just an average 20 something female that loses myself in a good book. Life has gotten hectic trying to balance small town living, working towards teaching overseas, finding that special someone and figuring out how life is supposed to work post-college. Thank God for books and knitting!

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