Category Archives: home

Re-entry/life Update.

Standard

I realized I haven’t done a personal update lately. Honestly, there isn’t much going on. I did do a mini-vacation to the South Dakota Black Hills. I have a friend down there and did a little hermit-ing. It’s a long drive and I’m one of those people that don’t stop unless I need to fill gas or my bladder will be exploding in two seconds. I inherited that from my father. He got that from his dad and from delivering bulls. I’ve also given up alcohol for a while. I realized that it would be very easy for me to justify having a few beers or a glass or two of wine by saying that the job was getting to me. I don’t want to be dependent on alcohol. And with being an extreme introvert having to be a CNA at a nursing home, it takes a lot out of a person and getting my rejuvenation from alcohol isn’t okay. I’m also looking at adopting a five year old malamute/shepherd mix.  It’s time for me to have a companion.

The big thing I want to talk about is June 18 of this year. That was the one year of leaving Hungary. I may have mentioned this in passing. It was a hard day on me. I struggled in Hungary. I also had people that I didn’t realize I grew to love in those ten months. People don’t understand how I would complain about Hungary and then be scared to come back. It’s because I didn’t realize there was love underneath the hurt. It’s not easy to describe to someone, especially if they are resistive to what you have to say. The first six months after I came back were very rough on me. I’m still dealing with the consequences. Sleep schedule, ovulation scheduling, (please, if you didn’t see me saying that, you need to read more of my blog) eating, all of that. I realize that there are people that have it rougher but I’m not going to lie that there was a lot of pain. I do realize there’s variations and depths to pain. I have realized that when me, specifically, is in pain, I don’t deal with someone else’s pain. At all. I had people wanting me and needing me to be present for their pain and I could not do it. I know I have one person, in particular, that will never forgive me for that. I regret that but I cannot go back and fix that. In that first six months, I needed to heal and reacclimatize to my own culture. It’s normal. When I was in training to go overseas, they were warned us about this. They said we will have two homes. It’s true. I keep in contact with a lot of people in Hungary, ex-pats and Hungarians alike. It breaks my heart every time they ask me when I’m coming back. I have two homes. And it’s weird. I talk to people in Hungary in spurts and then it’s come back to us. They can definitely tell at work when I miss Hungary. I start the shift very melancholy. If only I could live both places easier.

The one major thing about me being home and I noticed this some in Hungary that I am more sensitive to certain things. Little things that people don’t mean anything by hurt me and broken plans send me into a not a good place. Certain songs send me in a melancholy. Certain people I have to guard my heart against, even thinking about them, because I overreact. Sometimes this makes me feel silly that I can’t handle certain situations like I feel like I should. I also feel bad for anyone that is close to me or will be close to me because I have issues. Part of the reason I’ve become a little bit of a recluse. But there’s no shame in healing. And please don’t think that this happens all the time. It doesn’t anymore. I have come a long way. I wish certain people would have invested in me more after coming home.

I know that this isn’t my normal post and it would probably be a lot more in-depth if it wasn’t almost three in the morning. But I need something to do while listening to rain and carpool karaoke. Probably more of me at a later date. I am okay. I’m an adult, more than before, but I am an adult. I can handle this. Please don’t worry.

Advertisements

Not a Book Review. Life.

Standard

I have gone back and forth on this post. After the last personal post, I told myself I wouldn’t do a personal post again because I got some criticism from people that made me upset. I figured why should I share my life if I get what I got. But then thinking, I shouldn’t be scared to share my life on my blog. I shouldn’t let the criticism get to me especially when it’s from someone who doesn’t know the whole story. There are people who have followed me since before I became a book blog. I didn’t hold back before and although I probably will here back more now, I’ll see how it works having personal stuff back on the blog. And this post will be pretty personal because just journaling isn’t enough sometimes.

It’s one thing to come back from living in a foreign country. Everyone reacts a little different. Some people transition just fine, some go through PTSD. It depends on what went on when they were overseas, what’s gone on back home, personality. It depends on a lot of things. If I came back last summer to a perfect situation, I think I would have transitioned fine. But it was not perfect. First I came back to a family that didn’t know how to react to me or help me. Then I also came home to a not great situation with the friend who was like my sister. She was going through a lot, more than me, and I couldn’t support her. So until 2 weeks ago, we’ve been going back and forth. In her grief she said things that I took way to personally and still haunt me. I told her minor things that were wrong when there was more going on to shield her. Two weeks ago or so, she said enough and we’re through. Forever. I think it’s a good thing that we have parted ways, in a way. There was a lot of anxiety and hurt on both sides. But forever is a long time.

In December, what prompted that last personal post, my sister-in-law left my brother. There’s a lot of details that I’m not going into with that. Just know that it has not been a great situation. They have been together almost 18 years, almost 2/3 of my life, and she was like a sister to me and now the respect and love is not there anymore. This one didn’t hit me hard, it hit everyone hard because they didn’t let anyone know what was going on.

So within too short of a time I have lost two women who were like family. One I will take a lot of the responsibility for because there were things I should have done differently. But hindsight is 20/20. The other wasn’t my fault. I looked around and realized that the other people who were in my life previously had not asked how I was holding up. They saw and knew of what was going on and still did not want to know. I admit some blame on some relationships going south because I won’t let anyone close anymore. But it’s hard to want people close to you when you hurt and you feel like you’re the only one trying. Again, that’s not with everyone that was in my life, but it’s with some.

What do I have now? I have no close friends I can rely on. Though my family is close, I cannot adequately convey to them what has all gone on and get what I need from them. I have trust issues. I hurt. I’m in various stages of grief. I have the want to start new somewhere but am scared to leave. I have a hard time doing a lot reading. I hit a reading slump. I have read a lot so that doesn’t worry me. Reading’s been the one thing that has made me feel understood.

Since I’ve come home, have I been selfish and self-centered and hard to deal with and unfair and done a lot of harm to a lot relationships? Yes. Do I have anxiety? Hell yes. It’s not fun. Am I still going through re-entry? Sorta. Coming back to your culture gets easier but you still have moments. Have I shared too much in this post? Probably. Are there things I will have wish I had added in this post? Most likely. I realize I have not been a lot of good things in the past two years. I get that. I realize that. I’m trying to work on that.

Now will every blog from now be like this? No. I just wanted people to know what was going on. It’s a lot. So if I haven’t seem normal, there’s a reason. I will never be the old me who was always joking around. I mean, I’ll joke around but it won’t be the same.

 

I’m Alive

Standard

So, I haven’t blogged in a while because of life in general. So let me share what I’ve done with my life.

I’m done at the museum, I’ve moved home and somewhat settled at home. In 12 hours my dad jokingly told me I had lice and I freaked out and my mom said she was going to hit me. (it was my fault she wanted to hit me, I promise. Any one else would have hit me.) Tonight I asked mom if she could handle me 24/7. Then I paused and said “I’m kind of a hand full, so probably not” and she laughed. Then we were playing a matching game and she asked how I remembered some of this and to which I replied “There’s not much else going on up there right now, so why not?”. I was just on fire tonight getting to laugh.

When I moved, they didn’t plow in front of my apartment so that was fun. I got my bumper fixed. Now I’m writing thank you cards for those who have been a supporter so far to this crazy trip I’m going on. Note to self, don’t write thank you notes to those you love when you have your time of the month. It does not end well. There’s tears and a weird self-deprecating thing.

We had extended family Christmas the Saturday after Christmas. All 6 kids (me and my 2 siblings and 3 cousins and okay, there were some spouses and kids there too) hung out downstairs. I don’t remember the last time all of us hung out in the same room, now that all of us are adults and 2/3 of us are married. I did accidentally kick Cousin E in the face. Let me explain. He was laying on the floor and I was folded up in a chair and my foot was hanging over the edge and he tickled my foot and said “tickle, tickle” and my reflexes said, “INTRUDER! INTRUDER” and my foot flew and I somewhat gently kicked him in the face. Or not somewhat gently kicked him in the face. I felt bad because I didn’t mean to do it and it was the last holiday we had together before he moves to Texas. He moved like 3 days ago. This makes me sad. Favorite quote of the night “My heart is in it but my legs aren’t” and of course the ever-present “FAMILY NAP TIME” after dinner or lunch.

I survived, or everyone survived, the Polar Vortex. With wind shield it was -56 in some places in ND. Booooo. But I didn’t have to go out. But my dad and brother did to go feed. I didn’t have to put shoes on for about a week and I put my boots on and I started going down stairs to go to my car to go get my hair cut and I almost fell down because I don’t know how to walk in shoes anymore. That’ll change once I start working again. I also do not want another Polar Vortex, even though it is kind of fun to say.

I babysat the nephew last week. It was just us and my mom has these water guns that he plays with and we were giving them super powers and I said one could shoot mud and the nephew gives me a look and I asked if that was lame and he didn’t know what that was so I said not cool and he goes “that wasn’t cool” and walks away. Then I was explaining that I was going to be around at grandma and grandpa’s for a while and I was going to be here until he was done with school (meaning end of the school year in my head) and he goes “until I graduate?”. Close, wish I could, not happening.

My mom’s side of the family is organizing a family reunion for right before I leave and I’m totally excited because the last time that happened, I was like 5.

So that is what’s going on in life now. I’ll try to get back into blogging more, but I can’t guarantee anything.

Merry Christmas

Standard

Merry Christmas to Everyone. Now that it’s near the end of the day, I can officially tell people of my Christmas. Let’s start with yesterday.

So I had to work a few hours yesterday and then I came home. (roads weren’t always great, but I still made amazing time) Now that my brother and his family live on the home place, I get thrown off when there are cars coming out of our turnoff and last night my some of my sister-in-law’s siblings were leaving and they were all leaving when I got home. And my sister and brother-in-law came yesterday also, so mom and dad had a full house last night. Or fuller than usual. So obviously, because of bad roads and being on the road for 2 1/2 hours and not getting much sleep the night before, I came home a little crabby. I did warm up to everyone just not my usual self. My mom, sister and brother-in-law started doing puzzles last night and here is the conversation that kind of made the night and kind of explains partially how the family works.

Sister to mom: Would you tell me if you thought our name choices were stupid? (they were talking about baby names) Me from across the room shouting: I would!
Sister: We all know you would.

I don’t know how this happened but I somehow got the role in the family of the one who will say anything at anytime. I don’t know how this happened. Maybe because, in all reality, it’s probably a little true? What was nice about today is that it was just the immediate family. Usually on a holiday like Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter we get together with my aunt and her family, but we’re postponing that until Saturday. It’s not to often it’s just the immediate family.

This morning came and my nephew comes walking over by himself (the brother and sister-in-law were still getting my niece and presents situated so they sent the nephew ahead) and I’m sitting on the floor with him hanging out and my sister is talking to him too and I ask him about his hair cut and he starts to tell us how he cut his hair this morning and while I’m staring at him, I realize he’s telling the truth. He cut a little piece of his bangs off. Not much so that you would really notice but if you stare, you can see it. I don’t know where he got the scissors or where the adults were, but he did it. I asked him if mom and dad knew and he said nope and my sister walks out the room shaking her head and I said “well she’s probably going to find out now”. So after the brother and sister-in-law were over and we were sitting in the living room my sister pops her head in and asked the nephew if he had told his mom about his hair. He kind of went silent. I told him that he should just fess up about it because when he grows up, this is going to be a great story. So he told his mom and her jaw drops and my brother is trying not to laugh. So the sister-in-law holds his face and just looks at his bans and she starts to ask questions about when and how and the rest of us are still trying not to laugh. So his mom gets done and my brother takes a look at him. “He’s fine”. Life goes on.

We opened presents which is always fun. My sister and I, who talked about presents for everyone else in the family but not the kids, both got the kids the same hats that have movable objects on them. We got a picture of the kids and the brother and sister-in-law wearing them. Guess they have backups. The nephew thought they were pretty good for scaring cattle and that the hats would come in handy for preg testing tomorrow. Then I got a suitcase and I opened it up to put all my gifts in to put in my room and we found out that I could fit both kids in this suitcase. I can officially take the kids overseas if I pack nothing else. I got an Angry Birds game for both kids. And this wasn’t like a digital form of the game but an actual one that you set up and fling the birds. Both kids love Angry Birds. The nephew looked at me after he opened it and said “I can die now”. Then played with it for an hour and a half. Guess that means it went over well?

My mom always busts out the camera for opening presents. It’s kind of the tradition that everyone will dodge getting their picture taken. It’s kind of like a celebrity being harassed by the paparazzi divided by 1000. There used to be code words (it was tornado) and lots of hands up and presents up and elbows in front of the face. Today was no different. And my brother, sister-in-law and I were all sitting in a row and my mom was going to take a picture of my brother and she was yelling at him to put his had down and between mom yelling at the brother and taking the picture I got in a face. It got into the picture. I show mom the picture tonight and she shook her head. Shook her head. At me. Her favorite, youngest child. That’s illegal right?

One Christmas, my brother and sister-in-law gave me 3 presents and I won’t tell the whole story but one of them had a lump of coal in it. So this year when my sister sent out the Facebook message that she wanted Christmas lists, I said no and she said that I was getting a lump of coal for Christmas. I said, fine, whatever, it’s happened before. I got instructions today that I was supposed to open one of their packages first. So I did and it was a lump of coal and when I said I didn’t ask for it, I got an argument. Just because I’m passive about something, doesn’t mean I’m consenting to it. Booo. They did get me a legitimate gift.

At supper we’re sitting around the table and the nephew, who’s been attached to me all day (well both kids were), goes “It sure smells like Megan in the air”……What? When asked what I smell like, he didn’t know. I also took a shower this morning and brushed my teeth so the rumor that I smelled funny or that it came from my mouth is completely untrue. Overall, it was a good day and I’m a little sad that I won’t be here next year to celebrate the holiday with family, but it’s something I need to do.

So I hope that everyone had a great day. If you didn’t, you can come join my family. We’re fun. And obviously, I speak my mind. But you kind of knew that all ready.

Post Thanksgiving Post.

Standard

For those of you not in the States, you’re going to have to bear with one more Thanksgiving post. I’ll try to make it non-painful. I promise. This is one of the only pre-planned posts I have ever done. I like to free ball it.

I left work a little early to get home a little bit earlier, and arrived after my sister and her husband got there. Ate some Taco soup, did some laundry and took a shower. My sister and her husband had this “Thanksgiving Bingo” they were doing where they each made a list of things that were going to happen. On a list was that I would talk about M*A*S*H. First of all, I was baited into talking about it and I do not talk about it all the time.

Yesterday morning was where the real traditions start. It s tarts off with staying in my pjs until I have all clothes clean or at least until the last load is in the dryer. Then watch the beginning of the Macy’s Parade and keep watching it while I get ready for the day. my niece and nephew walked over from the new house and hung out. (They just moved into the new house like 2 weeks ago and it’s on the home place so it’s okay for them to walk over) The nephew also got to help with chores yesterday, which he loves, but he didn’t get to drive because he tells me he’s only 6. My niece gets about 30 feet away from the door and informs me that she broke her foot. She loves telling stories and being the center of attention so telling the story of how she broke it over and over was fun for her. Then everyone else showed up and the party began. There was only 13 for this holiday instead of the 20 or so if everyone showed up.

There’s always too much food. Always deserts and a cheese ball sitting out all day. So dinner was at 12 and we ate and at the end of a meal at our gatherings, there’s always a slight silences and either me or Cousin E will announce that it’s family nap time. Us two and my brother take it seriously every time. So Cousin E and I lay down on the living room floor and pretty soon the kids come to bug us. At one time the nephew was my pillow and the niece was my blanket. Cousin E and I try to install the importance of naps and how important and cool they are when you are in your 20’s. Needless to say, the family nap time didn’t happen as planned. Still super bummed about that. I love nap time, regardless of circumstances. During this time my nephew told both me and Cousin E we needed to cut our hair. (Cousin E has longer hair) The nephew told me he wanted me to get it cut up it into a bob. Then he was amazed when I said I’ve always had long hair. We took immediate family picture and went and “toured” the new house. I keep saying that it’s time for the family sleep over but no one is with me on that. Then there was a round of Crazy 8s, Memory and Go Fish for the kids. There’s always a game involved a family gathering and Cousin E and I were trying to get it to be Mouse Trap, Monopoly or the Saved by the Bell Board game. All of which we have a strong connection to from growing up but no one else was up for it

So at the evening meal, which we call supper but not everyone is in the world calls it that, I was sitting between my sister-in-law and my aunt and on the other side of my sister-in-law was my sister and mother. My sister-in-law said something that ended in slick. I didn’t happen to hear that way though. I looked up from my food and asked her to repeat it, so she did and “oh, hmmm, not what I heard.”

“That last part start with a d?” she asked.

Nope.

My aunt jumps in and she said “She thought she heard S-L-U-T” and yes, she spelled that out because there was children at the table. We’re very protective of what the kids hear. Then there was a debate about what was said and me, my aunt and mother all heard slut. My sister backed my sister-in-law up. But at least I wasn’t alone.

The nephew was in a mood where you know he missed me because he wouldn’t leave me alone. I love him.

A t the end of the night there were lots of hugs and good-byes and relief that another holiday is over.

Cousin E is moving down to Texas in January. This makes me super sad. I know that I’m leaving for a year and I wouldn’t see him then anyway but I’m going to be missing my comrade, my partner in crime. I get that he needs to do this but still super sad and makes me pout. But that was my Thanksgiving and always something to be thankful for.

Quick Post

Standard

Let’s talk about holidays shall we? I have a problem with how Christmas takes like 2 months out of life. Whomever got the smart idea to put Thanksgiving at the end of November for the U.S. and then think it was a good idea to totally rock out Christmas decorations at Halloween is insane. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Christmas. But I feel like Thanksgiving is totally looked over. Let’s bring Thanksgiving back and make it a contender. Maybe Canada had this right to put Thanksgiving in October. Speaking about Canada, did I ever mention I kind of, sort of, not really dated a hockey player from Canada when I was in high school? Don’t worry, he was in high school too. It didn’t end well and that was mainly (but not completely) my fault. I wish it had ended better but I can’t turn back time and change how I reacted to certain things. But on to another subject.

I made an impromptu trip back home this weekend. First off, I got amazing sleep there. I knew I wasn’t sleeping the best lately but I didn’t realize how bad it was. I slept like half the time I was home, pretty sure. Second, got to see the niece and the nephew. No one told them I was coming home and my brother and sister-in-law are building a house on the property and they stopped over there on Saturday Morning before dropping the kids off for the day so the kids are in the pickup alone and my sister-in-law gets back in and they shout “Megan’s here” then the kids told her how much they don’t like me leaving. I love those kids. And my niece has picked up this thing where she is telling a story and then says “think about it”. We think she gets that from my dad because that’s what he says when he gets frustrated with us about something. I hated that phrase growing up.

The best times to get me to agree to do something is to approach me while busy or mostly asleep. Remember that. So I’m a member of Lions International. I got a phone call today from another member asking me to do something at 6 in the morning on Saturday and I agreed because I was in the middle of something. What was I thinking?

I know that this isn’t long but I really have nothing. There wasn’t any random driving stories. No killing of birds, random deer, nothing. Very uneventful. Just letting everyone know I’m alive. Not dead. Alive.

Showers and Fixing Things.

Standard

Jane Eyre is coming up, I swear. I’m just not mentally prepared for the immensity that will come with that post. This is just a glimpse of how my mind doesn’t work.

A couple of weeks ago, I popped out of the shower, grabbed my towel from the rack and wrapped myself in it. When I grabbed it, I noticed that the rack was loose. So instead of acting normal and getting dressed and then fixing it, I just grabbed a screw driver and did it in my towel. Again, I don’t know why I didn’t just get dressed. It would have made sense. But when have I ever made sense.

I couldn’t get the screws to tighten. So I figured they may be stripped. I called home to talk to my dad because he usually took care of things like this and I wanted to confirm that they were stripped. Now if you ever wondered where I get my sense of humor, pay attention to my father. I told him what was going on and asked him how you know a screw is stripped. His response (and you could tell he was near laughter): “Well, dear daughter, I would have thought you knew this but they’re stripped if they don’t have any clothes on”. I knew he wasn’t being serious and I busted out laughing and I was thinking “If only he knew I was still in a towel.” Yes, that’s right, I hadn’t dressed yet. But I didn’t tell my dad that. He doesn’t need to know that his daughter is fixing stuff almost naked. He explained and I go okay that’s what I thought.

So today I was doing errands and I got longer screws for the hook. Do you think I could get them tight? NO. I’m upset about it. I was talking to my mom and I went, I need a stronger man to do this because it’s not working on it. I secretly think she was thinking that I had a strong man around but that’s another thing for another post that I’m pretty sure has been written.

If you found out too much about me in that post. Sorry, can’t unread. Here’s what is going on with the book situation.

I’m mentally writing the Jane Eyre post. There’s a lot that I could talk about with that book so that’s why it’s still coming. I’m going back and forth on what subject I want to talk about. It’s hard to pick just one aspect of a book you love to talk about. Maybe I’ll just make it into a series of posts.

I have made a big dent into Treasure Island. So much better than I ever thought it was going to be. Ah the language used. I love it.

I was browsing Cristianbook.com for VeggieTale movies…..Those are for my niece and nephew. Yeah let’s go with that. I don’t enjoy them at all…….Okay yes I do. At 25 I still love VeggieTales and they’re my de-stressing movies. I need new de-stressing movies. Anyway, I got a fiction bundle. 10 books for $9.99. Great deal right? I’m pretty excited about it. And I did get VeggieTales movies for me.

So until next time.