Category Archives: relationships

Not a Book Review. Life.

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I have gone back and forth on this post. After the last personal post, I told myself I wouldn’t do a personal post again because I got some criticism from people that made me upset. I figured why should I share my life if I get what I got. But then thinking, I shouldn’t be scared to share my life on my blog. I shouldn’t let the criticism get to me especially when it’s from someone who doesn’t know the whole story. There are people who have followed me since before I became a book blog. I didn’t hold back before and although I probably will here back more now, I’ll see how it works having personal stuff back on the blog. And this post will be pretty personal because just journaling isn’t enough sometimes.

It’s one thing to come back from living in a foreign country. Everyone reacts a little different. Some people transition just fine, some go through PTSD. It depends on what went on when they were overseas, what’s gone on back home, personality. It depends on a lot of things. If I came back last summer to a perfect situation, I think I would have transitioned fine. But it was not perfect. First I came back to a family that didn’t know how to react to me or help me. Then I also came home to a not great situation with the friend who was like my sister. She was going through a lot, more than me, and I couldn’t support her. So until 2 weeks ago, we’ve been going back and forth. In her grief she said things that I took way to personally and still haunt me. I told her minor things that were wrong when there was more going on to shield her. Two weeks ago or so, she said enough and we’re through. Forever. I think it’s a good thing that we have parted ways, in a way. There was a lot of anxiety and hurt on both sides. But forever is a long time.

In December, what prompted that last personal post, my sister-in-law left my brother. There’s a lot of details that I’m not going into with that. Just know that it has not been a great situation. They have been together almost 18 years, almost 2/3 of my life, and she was like a sister to me and now the respect and love is not there anymore. This one didn’t hit me hard, it hit everyone hard because they didn’t let anyone know what was going on.

So within too short of a time I have lost two women who were like family. One I will take a lot of the responsibility for because there were things I should have done differently. But hindsight is 20/20. The other wasn’t my fault. I looked around and realized that the other people who were in my life previously had not asked how I was holding up. They saw and knew of what was going on and still did not want to know. I admit some blame on some relationships going south because I won’t let anyone close anymore. But it’s hard to want people close to you when you hurt and you feel like you’re the only one trying. Again, that’s not with everyone that was in my life, but it’s with some.

What do I have now? I have no close friends I can rely on. Though my family is close, I cannot adequately convey to them what has all gone on and get what I need from them. I have trust issues. I hurt. I’m in various stages of grief. I have the want to start new somewhere but am scared to leave. I have a hard time doing a lot reading. I hit a reading slump. I have read a lot so that doesn’t worry me. Reading’s been the one thing that has made me feel understood.

Since I’ve come home, have I been selfish and self-centered and hard to deal with and unfair and done a lot of harm to a lot relationships? Yes. Do I have anxiety? Hell yes. It’s not fun. Am I still going through re-entry? Sorta. Coming back to your culture gets easier but you still have moments. Have I shared too much in this post? Probably. Are there things I will have wish I had added in this post? Most likely. I realize I have not been a lot of good things in the past two years. I get that. I realize that. I’m trying to work on that.

Now will every blog from now be like this? No. I just wanted people to know what was going on. It’s a lot. So if I haven’t seem normal, there’s a reason. I will never be the old me who was always joking around. I mean, I’ll joke around but it won’t be the same.

 

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Sounding Boards

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I’m in the final week of my training and I’m meeting more people with my company which is always a plus. I go home on Saturday. My phone broke as well this weekend. That’s annoying. These two things are connected. Let me lead you though a journey in my head. I have a few people that are my sounding board. There’s not many but there’s a few. I don’t like it because I always feel like I need to be the strong one but everyone’s got to have a sounding board. I’ve had a lot of stuff thrown at me in the past few weeks and I need that sounding board. I’ve had moments where I’ve doubted this journey I’ve decided to take, I’ve had funny thoughts out of tiredness that only a few people can understand. I’ve had more moments of panic in the past couple of weeks than I like. I’m also on a lot. Like there’s been a lot of small groups and one on one and I have to share my heart with people. That is not in my nature. I only do that to people that really know me. There’s a lot in my head and having no phone the past couple days has been tough. Unless it’s im’ing or email, I’m disconnected to family and friends that I do this with. I have a lot of cooped up emotion. Yes, I do have a roommate that has been here with me the past three weeks but it isn’t the same. She doesn’t know how to deal with me. She’s a lovely and sweet girl but would give me a hug when I feel bad. I don’t do hugs, or at least I don’t do hugs with a lot of people. And I’m not asking for these sounding boards to fix what’s going on with me, I just need a distraction for a while so I can reset and then deal with life.

So this makes me realize….I’m going away for about a year. I won’t have these sounding boards there either. I need to prepare myself for this separation. Which scares me. I have a tendency to close myself when I know that there’s going to be a long separation. It’s not healthy. I know this. I’m already closing myself to the people here this week that I’ve been with all month. It’s something I need to consciously change. I’m not going to make it if I don’t change it. Positive note: I did meet the girl I’m living with this next year. She’s very out-going and bubbly. I counter with my quietness quite well. But listening to her today made me draw back and not want this anymore. Is it normal that I’m not wanting this anymore? No, let me restate that. I want this but am doubting if I’m doing this at the right time. I know, I know. God’s got me. God has a plan in this. One time, I wish that God would let me in on a plan. It’s not making me happy that I don’t know if this is going to work. I know I can’t be the only one doubting my life journey but it’s tough on a planner like me.

I know that this blog has been kind of a downer lately. It’s just where life is right now. It’ll get better. I promise. On a totally different subject, I got called sarcastic again today. I feel like that’s a runny trend in life right now. People take me as sarcastic.

Awkwardness and Characters.

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So if you’ve been following my blog for a while, you know I have awkward encounters with men, usually awkward business encounters. They’re what make my life entertaining. So the other night, I’m working and I come out of a room with garbage and stuff and I put it in the trash thing and I go to mark something on our sheet. A male co-worker is there and he goes: “Sooooo, you’re a woman.” Why, yes. Thanks for noticing. “So you watch romance movies.” It was more of a statement than a question. Well, yeah, some. I don’t make a habit of it. I’m starting to get nervous, where this is going. I felt like we were going down this road where he was going to ask me out and I was scared. Let me explain. With me leaving soon, I don’t want to date. I don’t want to get emotionally involved with anyone. This guy isn’t my type either. We get along we can keep a conversation at work but he’s a little high strung? Worrisome? He’s to uptight. I am not to his extent but I’m similar. So I was worried. Mentally, I was like, I don’t want to say yes but I’ll probably say yes to be nice. But he goes on while I’m mentally panicking. “Have you seen ‘The Time-Traveler’s Wife’?” Yeah, books better. I’m still confused. “Well, I was thinking about time-travel. And I was thinking about time traveling in the past and living in the past. And I was trying to think about movies with that instead of time traveling all over the place.” Then there’s a conversation about ‘Dr. Who’ and ‘The Curious Case of Benjamin Button’. I wish I could get non-awkward encounters.

Talking about awkward encounters, friend-ish acquaintance got yelled at twice for picking on me on Sunday. I’m amused that he gets yelled at for picking on me and no one ever catches me giving him crap right back. I can handle crap and dish it out. But I did have to laugh. He did try to protest, but there was no winning. My hypothetical damsel in distress will always trump his jester ways.

So MJ and I were emailing yesterday and we got on the subject of sex. Actually, it started off with our characters and sex and then it sort of morphed into us in a way. We also talked about drinking and what kind of alcoholics we would be/are. It’s weird how spot on we have our characters with our personalities. MJ and her character are very stubborn and would/are entertaining drunks, if in their right mind. Me and my character are the sensible ones. On the sex front, we’ve been talking about the characters actions during and around sex. The old wounds seem to come up and affect how sex happens. We’ve also been talking about characters who were supposed to be minor turning into major game changers. This subject always gets me going on a tangent. I love when there are characters introduced and you’re like “oh, minor character.” BOOM, they’re saving your life and you want to make babies with them….That may or may not be true with one of the characters in our book and me. But I love those surprises. I’m a girl that kind of, or really majorly, predicts the end of books and am usually accurate. So when these characters come up, I get a little giddy. Sometimes, in a good book, I don’t realize that the minor character becomes a major one. I had to go back and re-read our beginning of the story to remember that a major player in the story was supposed to be a minor sidekick. But really, what greater surprise is there than to have an unexpected character that you love and grows into your heart? There isn’t one at this moment. Give me a moment or two and I’ll come up with another great thing.

Talking about books, trying to get through Winter’s Tale. It’s going slow. I’m having a hard time getting past the writing.

I talked about hair the other day. I had 3 residents obsess about my hair last night when I was putting them to bed. That doesn’t happen. Is there a full moon? People freak out during full moons.

Mothers Day

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Today was mother’s day. I love my mommy. But I failed. I didn’t get my mom anything. Yesterday we went to go see one grandma and we went with my sister-in-law and the kids. I was sitting in between the kids and mom was going into the store. I yell at mom to get herself a card on me. Mom and the sister-in-law roll there eyes. I woke up this morning and told mom that I was going to make her a card but obviously nothing was going to be as nice as what she would have picked out for herself. She laughed. Does that mean I was right? I can be crafty but I’m sure that my card would have been lame. Being 26 and thinking about making your mother a mother’s day card can be lame. Pretty sure. But it is her fault for not following directions.

We went to go see the other grandma today. We stopped and went to church with my aunt and uncle and then we took grandma out to eat. When I got my first pair of boots in college, she saw them and told me that since I had boots, I was going to attract all the cowboys and now every time she sees me in boots she comments about how I don’t have a cowboy. I am aware of this. So we go back to grandma’s apartment and I’m looking around because the med that I’m on for my thyroid gives me this extra burst of energy and so I wasn’t sitting still. Behind me there was a newer looking card that said something to the extent of “Happy Birthday to my wife”. My grandfather, the one married to this grandmother, has been gone for about 33 1/2 years. He died of a rare blood disease a month and a half before his first grandchild. So I was confused. It’s not grandma’s birthday for another month or so and I know she kind of has a boyfriend in this complex. I say kind of because pretty sure it’s not official and grandma gets all huffy about it. So I was like “what if it’s from this guy? Did they secretly get married? Grandma getting married right before she turns 80? No. I need to be there for that wedding.” So I ask mom and dad if they know about a secret wedding. This card looked way to knew to be from 30 plus years ago. They didn’t know. We went to my aunt and uncles place for a while and so I asked my aunt. No, it’s a card still from my grandpa. It’s an incredibly sweet thing to have. This is almost a gross cute thing. This must have been the last birthday card grandma got. But a part of me was a little upset that grandma didn’t have a secret wedding. I don’t think that would set well with grandma’s children though.

After we left we stopped at this little restaurant we used to stop at when I was little. This place hasn’t changed since I was little. Same carpets, same restrooms that say ‘cowgirls’ and ‘cowboys’ on them, same red glasses. The same red glasses. These glasses epitomized eating at this restaurant when I was little. I had a rant about how amazing these red glasses were tonight. They were amazing. I still love them. I then told mom and dad what section we used to sit at all the time and the pictures haven’t changed a bit. Still looks like 1996 in these pictures. You have to love small town diners that never change owners or workers. Lots of memories there.

Tonight my brother and his family came over to give mom her a mothers day gift. The nephew looks at me and says “you’re going to be here for 10 more days.” I was a little confused so I had him repeat it and his parents and I kind of looked at each other like “What the hell is this child talking about?” Then it dawned on me. I had explained to him a few months ago that I was going to be living at grandma and grandpa’s for awhile, or at least until he was a first grader. He graduates kindergarten in 10 days. That’s where he got that. Geesh. That kid.

So I’ve been doing some editing to the story MJ and I are telling. Do you hear that MJ? I’m editing and adding. I’m trying to pull my weight in this story. Trying is the key word there. We decided that we aren’t ready to leak this story to public yet so no one gets to read it. But it’s amazing. Because we are amazing.

Future Thank You Speech to Me.

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So I went on a walk today with my mother. We were walking in silence and a lot went through my head. Like how much I love my prairie, how nervous I am that I’m going to have to leave it one day. Then I started thinking about my niece and nephew, my nephew in particular because we’re a little bit closer. I was thinking about when he gets to be 18 and is graduating high school. At this school, same one that all three of us kids graduated from, the graduation ceremony is run by the class. Students do the welcome, the class memories speech, the ending, the poem that the English teacher wrote are all done by the students. The Valedictorian and the Salutatorian also do a speech. I started planning out my nephew’s speech when he’s thanking me for all that good advice when he’s Valedictorian or Salutatorian because I’m a little weird like that and I needed some thing to think about. So here’s what I had in my head/hope that I pass on to both kids and my kids and any future nieces and nephews.

Thank you to Aunt Megan for not necessarily telling me, but showing me about what passion, love and helping people really is. Thank you for showing that love for people doesn’t start or end with blood relation, it starts with a seed and extends beyond our back yard. It also extends color, religion and ethnicity. Love knows no bounds. Thank you for showing me that sarcasm and wit are good things that can help you make friends but are dangerous things when used at inappropriate times. I have to admit that I had to learn that lesson the hard way. Thank you for being not just my aunt but my friend, my confidant and my “don’t tell mom and dad” go to. Thank you to you and that sister of yours ratting me out when I was 6 and making me telling mom that I cut my hair on Christmas Day. I still haven’t lived that one down. Probably never will but it lets me know that you are invested in my life. You wouldn’t tell me random things if you didn’t. I’m also counting on that $100 when I get married. Make sure the check’s good.

I remember going to the hospital the day my nephew was born and falling in love with him the second I saw him and watching my brother be a new dad and seeing the excitement and nervousness in my brother (and my sister-in-law) and being excited for him and being nervous myself. I was nervous because I know that being an aunt can be a great responsibility. It still makes me a little nervous because I know those kids look at to me and I don’t want to disappoint or slip up. Six and a half years later I’m nervous still. Can we just see me being a parent? I would be in fear a lot. I also remember thinking when I saw him that I was the aunt that the kids would get into trouble with. I’m still holding true to that. Little unknown fact that when my sister-in-law was pregnant, Bucky Covington was just starting to be played on country radio and he was being played to the point I couldn’t stand him because the western tourist trap I was working at was playing him all the time. It was sickening. I remember being in the pickup with my brother and telling him that if they had a boy and they named him Bucky, I was coming up with a cooler name but if they didn’t I would could him Bucky. They didn’t, I didn’t. I do call him Munchkin though. He likes it. He actually just requested that I call him that instead of being grouped in with his sister and being called a kiddo. The point being that I want to make a difference in these kids’ lives and it scares me that I’ll just be the aunt. I’m working on that.

Let’s just say that if I had to write speeches for high school seniors, I would rock at it. Maybe. It would be entertaining at least.

Have I ever told the story about my graduation and the bet? I think I have. Here it is for good measure. The valedictorian and the girl that read the class poem sat next to each other and made a $2 bet that the other would cry during their speech. The guy valedictorian gets up (with a real flower boutonniere) and starts crying and blames the allergies that he doesn’t have. The girl gets up tells everyone about the bet and he just lost and starts reading and then starts crying. Guy stands up and starts clapping because they both lost. Great story though.

On a different subject I watched “The Great Gatsby” last night. I haven’t read that book. Why haven’t I read that book? I maybe a little obsessed with it now. I have to get this book. I think I’ve looked at it and thought it wasn’t my kind of book, now I’m thinking that I was wrong. I may love it. I must read this. Then. Then I went on GoodReads to add it to my list and saw that most everyone that I have as friends there has it added and read. We didn’t read this book in high school. Isn’t this book supposed to be on high school reading lists everywhere? I had to read stupid Animal Farm. Stupid book about communism.

Something You Don’t Usually Hear from Me

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I’m going to talk about something and it might be a little surprising coming from me and this topic has nothing to do with what Friday was. It’s love…..and books. But since I alluded to Valentine’s Day, let me have a mini-rant. I worked/orientated overnight on Friday. I’m single. Very single. And I was okay with Valentine’s this year. But when I got to work I got annoyed with how many people asked me if I was married or if I had “a man”. That phrase annoys me. Yes, you are in a relationship but that person isn’t necessarily yours. It sounds slave like to me and that is not what a relationship should be.

Anyway, love in books. It happens so fast, how can it be real? I know that most of the books I read are fiction and that the love portion of books help us believe again but really? Romeo and Juliet got married after less than a day of knowing each other, pretty sure that marriage would have been horrible in a few years. If the love wouldn’t have ended, the families would have made it miserable and then the babies would have come and it wouldn’t be pretty. Now I’m reading The Bronze Horseman and if that love didn’t pop up fast, I don’t know what did. It was like they walked together a few times and BAM, Alexander loves her.

Yeah, there are books that take their time with the love story but that’s not what sells books. I get frustrated with books every once in a while for not being predictable, love story or not. There’s 2 people that hate each other, they’re thrown together and have to deal with each other and then by the end of the book they’re in love and they’re thinking about having babies. I mean, have it end with them separating at the end with them still hating each other and glad they’re getting away from each other, don’t have the person with a terminal illness die. Have me surprised with who the killer is. I don’t care, throw me a curve ball. It’s frustrating.

I know me being critical of love is kind of a new thing on this blog but I want real life and not make believe at this point in life. I know that there are people that fall in love fast but I just really want a stable love when I’m reading right now.

So catch up on life. Last weekend I went and hung out with one of my oldest friends and my first college roommate. We tried watching “Don Jon”. That didn’t last long. That’s way more of a guy movie that it is a 3 women movie. I also decided that I need more unattractive friends. These girls I hung out with are definitely down to earth but it still cuts a girl’s ego when the majority of her friends are good looking. And my friend got a Chihuahua who, we found out, is obsessed with our other friend’s feet.

I also went to this little town last weekend to a single-women’s Valentine Banquet. My high school Sunday School teacher was speaking. We were getting out and one of the ladies I went with said something about maybe there’s a cover charge to get in this thing and she was joking because it was well-known it was free. I countered with “But aren’t we with the band? We get in free.” I guess that was funny because it was the comment that was talked about all night and being talked about the next day. I didn’t think it was that funny.

So last night I was hanging out at home for a while and “Wheel of Fortune” was on and the first puzzle came on and I solved it and I yell “I won Wheel of Fortune!” My parents think I’m crazy. Pretty sure they don’t know what to do with me. I’m grown so their job is hypothetically done until I get married, if I get married. We (my mother and I) also went to “Saving Mr. Banks”. It was quite good and I enjoyed it.

As I mentioned, I am reading The Bronze Horseman. I’ve heard a lot of good things about the book but at this moment I’m having a lot of mixed feelings about it. There’s some good writing in it but Tatiana is kind of stupid and sometimes I kind of want to punch her. It’s just a gut reaction. Poor girl is fictional and I want to punch her. Must be a tough life.

My Wallowing/Rant Post

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So my friend MJ got accepted into grad school. Now we can text each other panicking about life and our future and not just me texting her how I’m scared. I told her she would get in and she doubted me. This is proof that you shouldn’t doubt me. I know things. I just know. One shouldn’t question me.

Just to warn everyone now, this is kind of a “poor me” attitude post. This is more for me venting this out so I can move on. So you’ve been warned.

So I’m single and if you’ve followed this blog at all, you know that I have periods of being okay with that and not being okay with that and sometimes I just don’t talk about it. And trust me, I know I get annoying when I do talk about it. It annoys me, so I assume it annoys others. But being single in a small town isn’t easy. Being single anywhere isn’t easy. It gets to a girl. So when you have friends that say “Let’s go out, it’ll be fun” you kind of don’t look forward to it because everyone is married or is in a very committed relationship. It’s not rare that I am the only single person in the room. I don’t know where I was the day where the significant others were handed out in the small towns, but I missed it. So 90% of the time these outings get awkward. Especially if you go out to the bar and let’s face it, it’s a small town in North Dakota. Pretty much every get together involves alcohol. I’m not a big drinker, but I can handle some alcohol. Just don’t tell my mother or grandmothers that. But you go out, you get a decent amount of adult drinks in people and they start figuring out that significant others are good for more than just looking at. Then there’s me. Feeling awkward and a little grossed out by the people who forgot that they’re not necessarily the prettiest picture when they’re groping.

So I tend to scope out all the single people. My friend R is a single mother, MJ is single, my friend H (the one who wanted a rib-eye steak for her birthday but ended up ordering the hot guy) is single. This is what I need. I need the single people in the world to back me up. The single people have let me down the past couple of years. Shame on all of you. Where have you been? Especially during the holiday season. I know I said I love the holiday season and I do but still, doesn’t make it easy when everyone but you and one cousin is coupled off. It was so much easier when we were all single and thought the opposite sex had cooties. If I didn’t like guys so much, they’d still have cooties. The creepy ones still do.

Then I get the people who are standing right in front of me and talking to someone else and ask when I’m going to get married. Don’t rush me into this. And don’t ask someone else when I’m going to get married, ask me when I’m going to get married. Chances are (and chances are good) that the person that you’re talking to doesn’t know. I know, or have a good idea. This is another frustration with living in a small town, everyone is in your business. Sometimes it’s not bad, like when I get asked what grade in school I’m in, but leave my love life alone, it’s mine. Unless I specifically ask you if you know anyone, leave my love life alone.

Don’t get me wrong, when it comes to the guys I’ve been “involved with” I wouldn’t go back to those guys. There was a reason that those relationships didn’t pan out. The kind of boyfriend from high school especially. I was just to young to realize it then however. I’m not asking for some whirlwind romance or anything, I’m just asking for something stable, something I can take slow and steady for a long time. The holiday season makes me realize this even more. And since I mentioned it, what’s with the phrase “involved with”. Isn’t it your with someone or not? Being “involved” makes it sound like a business deal to me.

Well, hopefully I didn’t bore/annoy people with this post.