Tag Archives: what I learned

True Feelings

Standard

So this has been an awful week. If I wasn’t having issue before keeping positive, I am now. This is the closest I’ve ever been to being depressed. I cant keep my emotions in check and it’s kind of not good. It’s actually horrible because it’s affecting a very important relationship. But this isn’t the time or place to talk about that because it involves people, including me, that need this to be private.

Anyway. 30 days until I go home. That’s really exciting and really sad. I’ve had a rough year in Hungary, so that’s the exciting part of going home, but I have made some really good friends here and for the most part love the Hungarian people, that’s the really sad part of this. I don’t think a lot of people realize how drastic these feelings are. I was recently trying to explain to someone all the emotions I have and so I started listing them off. I didn’t even go into the magnitude that I have emotions. A lot of people don’t realize how strong you feel emotions when you are overseas. Prior to this experience, I was mellow. I was a rock that people depended on. I had emotions but I could push them away so I could move on with life. And there are very few people that saw the emotions that I was feeling. Forget that when I moved to Hungary. Let’s put you in a culture that’s vastly different from your own and a language you don’t speak. Not easy to begin with and then you start a job you are not properly trained for and member care you don’t here from very often. It escalates quickly. You feel like you have no where to turn and these emotions sometimes feel like they come out of no where, pretty much like an imaginary brick wall. That happened to me the other day at a really bad time. I always feel really guilty when that happens. The person that I’m talking to when these emotions come isn’t asking for me to practically run away from them because I don’t want them to know how scared I am of these emotions. But at the same time, it would be nice for people to know how scary these emotions are and understand how bad it is.

I was just talking to the other American teacher the other day about what’s going on in life. I don’t let people in my life very easily and I figure it’s mostly because of the fear of rejection or ridicule. I mean, a little because I don’t like some people but that’s not often that I use that excuse.

I know I’m going to go back home and there’s going to be some people that are going to expect me to be very similar to how I was before Hungary and be able to pop right back into fitting in and there is going to be a lot of pressure to be like that. But the thing is, I don’t fit in anymore. God has changed my heart and it will continue to change drastically in the months following my return. Knowing me, I’m going to push to fit in and give myself a time limit on when I should be ‘normal’ again. But I can’t. My old normal is never going to be normal again. Normal is changing all the time. I had a hard time with that when I came to Hungary and it’s going to be hard when I go back. Is my new normal better than the old normal? It’s a good question that I think shouldn’t be answered.

UPDATE! I’m not trying to give the illusion that I have the worst overseas experience ever. (Amanda Knox anyone?) I’m just trying to convey that there’s a lot people don’t understand when people go overseas for a year and not to try to expect much from that person. That’s all. I’m fine. Trust me. Whatever I’m feeling or how strong it is, I’ll be okay. There are people in their native country that have it worse.

Advertisements

Sounding Boards

Standard

I’m in the final week of my training and I’m meeting more people with my company which is always a plus. I go home on Saturday. My phone broke as well this weekend. That’s annoying. These two things are connected. Let me lead you though a journey in my head. I have a few people that are my sounding board. There’s not many but there’s a few. I don’t like it because I always feel like I need to be the strong one but everyone’s got to have a sounding board. I’ve had a lot of stuff thrown at me in the past few weeks and I need that sounding board. I’ve had moments where I’ve doubted this journey I’ve decided to take, I’ve had funny thoughts out of tiredness that only a few people can understand. I’ve had more moments of panic in the past couple of weeks than I like. I’m also on a lot. Like there’s been a lot of small groups and one on one and I have to share my heart with people. That is not in my nature. I only do that to people that really know me. There’s a lot in my head and having no phone the past couple days has been tough. Unless it’s im’ing or email, I’m disconnected to family and friends that I do this with. I have a lot of cooped up emotion. Yes, I do have a roommate that has been here with me the past three weeks but it isn’t the same. She doesn’t know how to deal with me. She’s a lovely and sweet girl but would give me a hug when I feel bad. I don’t do hugs, or at least I don’t do hugs with a lot of people. And I’m not asking for these sounding boards to fix what’s going on with me, I just need a distraction for a while so I can reset and then deal with life.

So this makes me realize….I’m going away for about a year. I won’t have these sounding boards there either. I need to prepare myself for this separation. Which scares me. I have a tendency to close myself when I know that there’s going to be a long separation. It’s not healthy. I know this. I’m already closing myself to the people here this week that I’ve been with all month. It’s something I need to consciously change. I’m not going to make it if I don’t change it. Positive note: I did meet the girl I’m living with this next year. She’s very out-going and bubbly. I counter with my quietness quite well. But listening to her today made me draw back and not want this anymore. Is it normal that I’m not wanting this anymore? No, let me restate that. I want this but am doubting if I’m doing this at the right time. I know, I know. God’s got me. God has a plan in this. One time, I wish that God would let me in on a plan. It’s not making me happy that I don’t know if this is going to work. I know I can’t be the only one doubting my life journey but it’s tough on a planner like me.

I know that this blog has been kind of a downer lately. It’s just where life is right now. It’ll get better. I promise. On a totally different subject, I got called sarcastic again today. I feel like that’s a runny trend in life right now. People take me as sarcastic.

Panicky, Judgemental Kid.

Standard

I was recently reading a blog and the guy said in high school he was the “nice, boring, judgmental Christian kid” and his wife was the exact opposite. I realize that was me without me realizing that was me. I was the “nice, boring, judgmental Christian kid”. I knew I was the nice Christian kid that was boring. But I didn’t realize until later I was judgmental. I’ve grown out of being judgmental to a point. I still have my moments. I think everyone has those moments. Others cannot always live up to our expectations. Weather it’s the way someone looks, does their job, treats their spouse. It’s kind of a judgmental world. We just have to have a thick skin. There’s that rant.

Now is when I’m going to start going on a random tangent. If some of this doesn’t make sense, I’m sorry. You’ll understand that I’m not making sense today.

I’m obsessed with checking my email these days. There’s so much coming to me. I have training starting in a month. It’s super scary. As much as I don’t enjoy working at a nursing home, I’m unsure of myself leaving now. When I moved home in January, I wasn’t scared. It was home. I was going to be starting work at the nursing home I’d hung out at all my life. (my mom’s worked at the home for years.) Life was good. Now I’m a month away from starting the scariest chapter of my life. (living halfway across the world in a city is a scary thing for a farm kid) It also doesn’t help that I have a sore throat and I’m being super womanly. (sorry, did that come out?) So I’m a little whiny.

In the story that MJ are writing, there’s this guy named Brad. Brad always tells Jane, his counterpoint, to keep treading water and she never understood why. Jane just assumes that it’s this little encouraging thing he tells her when he bought her this cheap souvenir. One night, he takes Jane to a beach and they’re overlooking the ocean. He points out a lighthouse he used to play at with his siblings and Brad tells Jane this tragic story about how his little sister died over there when they were kids and he felt guilty about not being able to save her. Brad then explains to Jane that’s why he tells her to keep treading water. He couldn’t save his sister, but if Jane keeps treading water and her head’s above the water, he can always save her. It’s a nice sentiment. MJ has used that line on me a few times in the recent past. I almost hate when the words I write come to haunt me.

Anyway. Point being is that there is light at the end of the tunnel and there is no need for me to panic. This will all work out. I will be fine. I’ve been telling myself that all afternoon. I really wish I had some wise advice about when one panics or is having a hard time. But the problem with that is, I have problems with that myself. I panic all the time and usually it’s over nothing. I don’t even have great coping methods to it. And I’m young. I know that I’m getting older but I still feel like a kid and haven’t figured out this whole wise thing. That’s probably a reason I panic as well, youth and inexperience.

But you know, looking at this leaving thing, it can be the most rewarding thing of my life. It’s all ready been rewarding because it makes me reflect on my home and the way I’ve been raised. My whole life, I have lived within 120 miles of home. I haven’t lived out of the state of North Dakota. Yes, I love my prairie and my Badlands and the farm. It is who I am. Those things are interwoven with who I am and they will help me when I leave. If you’ve ever been to southwestern North Dakota you look for the beauty of it. It’s not always obvious. But think of it. There’s gentle, rolling hills and rough buttes. Things that are rough but gentle. Things that I think I need as a person. I have been raised by a North Dakota farmer/rancher and nurse. That means I believe in the value of tough, hard work and the value of compassion. The love I have for my home and state will bring me back here but it also has taught me that I have nothing to be worried or panicked about. It has prepared me to leave and rejoice in my victories and provided people that will cry with me in my failures. This doesn’t mean that every other state isn’t beautiful or doesn’t give lessons to people that live there. These are just things I have realized that I’ve learned while I’ve been here. I’m saying I have nothing to be worried about. As long as I don’t forget who I am, I’ll be fine. I’m treading water just fine and might be able to save myself from the panic. Or trust God to do that.

Future Thank You Speech to Me.

Standard

So I went on a walk today with my mother. We were walking in silence and a lot went through my head. Like how much I love my prairie, how nervous I am that I’m going to have to leave it one day. Then I started thinking about my niece and nephew, my nephew in particular because we’re a little bit closer. I was thinking about when he gets to be 18 and is graduating high school. At this school, same one that all three of us kids graduated from, the graduation ceremony is run by the class. Students do the welcome, the class memories speech, the ending, the poem that the English teacher wrote are all done by the students. The Valedictorian and the Salutatorian also do a speech. I started planning out my nephew’s speech when he’s thanking me for all that good advice when he’s Valedictorian or Salutatorian because I’m a little weird like that and I needed some thing to think about. So here’s what I had in my head/hope that I pass on to both kids and my kids and any future nieces and nephews.

Thank you to Aunt Megan for not necessarily telling me, but showing me about what passion, love and helping people really is. Thank you for showing that love for people doesn’t start or end with blood relation, it starts with a seed and extends beyond our back yard. It also extends color, religion and ethnicity. Love knows no bounds. Thank you for showing me that sarcasm and wit are good things that can help you make friends but are dangerous things when used at inappropriate times. I have to admit that I had to learn that lesson the hard way. Thank you for being not just my aunt but my friend, my confidant and my “don’t tell mom and dad” go to. Thank you to you and that sister of yours ratting me out when I was 6 and making me telling mom that I cut my hair on Christmas Day. I still haven’t lived that one down. Probably never will but it lets me know that you are invested in my life. You wouldn’t tell me random things if you didn’t. I’m also counting on that $100 when I get married. Make sure the check’s good.

I remember going to the hospital the day my nephew was born and falling in love with him the second I saw him and watching my brother be a new dad and seeing the excitement and nervousness in my brother (and my sister-in-law) and being excited for him and being nervous myself. I was nervous because I know that being an aunt can be a great responsibility. It still makes me a little nervous because I know those kids look at to me and I don’t want to disappoint or slip up. Six and a half years later I’m nervous still. Can we just see me being a parent? I would be in fear a lot. I also remember thinking when I saw him that I was the aunt that the kids would get into trouble with. I’m still holding true to that. Little unknown fact that when my sister-in-law was pregnant, Bucky Covington was just starting to be played on country radio and he was being played to the point I couldn’t stand him because the western tourist trap I was working at was playing him all the time. It was sickening. I remember being in the pickup with my brother and telling him that if they had a boy and they named him Bucky, I was coming up with a cooler name but if they didn’t I would could him Bucky. They didn’t, I didn’t. I do call him Munchkin though. He likes it. He actually just requested that I call him that instead of being grouped in with his sister and being called a kiddo. The point being that I want to make a difference in these kids’ lives and it scares me that I’ll just be the aunt. I’m working on that.

Let’s just say that if I had to write speeches for high school seniors, I would rock at it. Maybe. It would be entertaining at least.

Have I ever told the story about my graduation and the bet? I think I have. Here it is for good measure. The valedictorian and the girl that read the class poem sat next to each other and made a $2 bet that the other would cry during their speech. The guy valedictorian gets up (with a real flower boutonniere) and starts crying and blames the allergies that he doesn’t have. The girl gets up tells everyone about the bet and he just lost and starts reading and then starts crying. Guy stands up and starts clapping because they both lost. Great story though.

On a different subject I watched “The Great Gatsby” last night. I haven’t read that book. Why haven’t I read that book? I maybe a little obsessed with it now. I have to get this book. I think I’ve looked at it and thought it wasn’t my kind of book, now I’m thinking that I was wrong. I may love it. I must read this. Then. Then I went on GoodReads to add it to my list and saw that most everyone that I have as friends there has it added and read. We didn’t read this book in high school. Isn’t this book supposed to be on high school reading lists everywhere? I had to read stupid Animal Farm. Stupid book about communism.

Something You Don’t Usually Hear from Me

Standard

I’m going to talk about something and it might be a little surprising coming from me and this topic has nothing to do with what Friday was. It’s love…..and books. But since I alluded to Valentine’s Day, let me have a mini-rant. I worked/orientated overnight on Friday. I’m single. Very single. And I was okay with Valentine’s this year. But when I got to work I got annoyed with how many people asked me if I was married or if I had “a man”. That phrase annoys me. Yes, you are in a relationship but that person isn’t necessarily yours. It sounds slave like to me and that is not what a relationship should be.

Anyway, love in books. It happens so fast, how can it be real? I know that most of the books I read are fiction and that the love portion of books help us believe again but really? Romeo and Juliet got married after less than a day of knowing each other, pretty sure that marriage would have been horrible in a few years. If the love wouldn’t have ended, the families would have made it miserable and then the babies would have come and it wouldn’t be pretty. Now I’m reading The Bronze Horseman and if that love didn’t pop up fast, I don’t know what did. It was like they walked together a few times and BAM, Alexander loves her.

Yeah, there are books that take their time with the love story but that’s not what sells books. I get frustrated with books every once in a while for not being predictable, love story or not. There’s 2 people that hate each other, they’re thrown together and have to deal with each other and then by the end of the book they’re in love and they’re thinking about having babies. I mean, have it end with them separating at the end with them still hating each other and glad they’re getting away from each other, don’t have the person with a terminal illness die. Have me surprised with who the killer is. I don’t care, throw me a curve ball. It’s frustrating.

I know me being critical of love is kind of a new thing on this blog but I want real life and not make believe at this point in life. I know that there are people that fall in love fast but I just really want a stable love when I’m reading right now.

So catch up on life. Last weekend I went and hung out with one of my oldest friends and my first college roommate. We tried watching “Don Jon”. That didn’t last long. That’s way more of a guy movie that it is a 3 women movie. I also decided that I need more unattractive friends. These girls I hung out with are definitely down to earth but it still cuts a girl’s ego when the majority of her friends are good looking. And my friend got a Chihuahua who, we found out, is obsessed with our other friend’s feet.

I also went to this little town last weekend to a single-women’s Valentine Banquet. My high school Sunday School teacher was speaking. We were getting out and one of the ladies I went with said something about maybe there’s a cover charge to get in this thing and she was joking because it was well-known it was free. I countered with “But aren’t we with the band? We get in free.” I guess that was funny because it was the comment that was talked about all night and being talked about the next day. I didn’t think it was that funny.

So last night I was hanging out at home for a while and “Wheel of Fortune” was on and the first puzzle came on and I solved it and I yell “I won Wheel of Fortune!” My parents think I’m crazy. Pretty sure they don’t know what to do with me. I’m grown so their job is hypothetically done until I get married, if I get married. We (my mother and I) also went to “Saving Mr. Banks”. It was quite good and I enjoyed it.

As I mentioned, I am reading The Bronze Horseman. I’ve heard a lot of good things about the book but at this moment I’m having a lot of mixed feelings about it. There’s some good writing in it but Tatiana is kind of stupid and sometimes I kind of want to punch her. It’s just a gut reaction. Poor girl is fictional and I want to punch her. Must be a tough life.

Luke and Violet Book Review

Standard

First-Catch up on my life? Yes? Okay. MJ and I have been going back and forth with this story and we can only write 15 sentences of the story and we can’t have it for more than 5 days and we have to give a rule for the other person to follow in their section of the story. It’s epic. There’s awkward pictures and a Steve and blackmail. That description doesn’t even give it justice. I have also learned through this process that I should not be writing when I’m tired because I start mixing up things like there, they’re and their. That bothers me.

I finished my CNA classes and I passed the class and now I’m orientating and then I take the state test to actually be certified.

So I’m orientating on nights tonight, so I work from 11:45-8:15, sleeping, going an hourish away tomorrow night to go to something, then Sunday, I’m going an hour in another direction to hang out with a friend. So much for a relaxing weekend.

Valentine’s Day is coming up. Boo. I’m anti-Valentine’s Day. If I were dating someone and in a serious relationship, I wouldn’t want a specific day just to show our love. Show me in the little things all the time. Open my door, tell me I’m having a good hair day, (because talking about my hair is the way to my heart, I’m kind of vain about it) hold my hand, things like that. I’m easily impressed. No need for a whole day of love. For me it’s not necessary. I’m low maintenance. Anyway.

I started my thyroid medicine this week. Knowing that something is wrong with me like my thyroid kind of bothers me. I also have eczema and knowing that there’s something I’m doing that I can’t control is unnerving every once in a while. I know that both things are very manageable but I’m kind of funny about it and I want it fixed. But I’m working on this.

Book time. I read The Destiny of Violet and Luke by Jessica Sorensen. This book is in the same series as the Callie and Kayden books I talked about last year. I’ve read other books/series by Sorensen and they haven’t impressed me as much. Here is a synopsis of the book. (there will be spoilers after the synopsis)

Luke Price’s life has always been about order, control, and acting tough on the outside. For Luke, meaningless relationships are a distraction-a way to tune out the twisted memories of his childhood. He desperately wishes he could forget his past, but it haunts him no matter what he does.

Violet Hayes has had a rough life. When she was young, she was left with no family and the memory of her parents’ unsolved murders. She grew up in foster homes, living with irresponsible parents, drugs, and neglect, and trying to fight the painful memories of the night her parents were taken from her. But it’s hard to forget when she never got closure-and she can’t stop dreaming about what happened that tragic night. To make it through life, she keeps her distance from everyone and never allows herself to feel anything.

Then Violet meets Luke. The two clash instantly, yet they can’t seem to stay away from each other. Although they fight it, they both start to open up and feel things they’ve never felt before. They discover just how similar they are. But they also discover something else: The past always catches up with you.

I loved Luke in the Callie and Kayden books. I also knew that Luke was to developed as a supporting character to not have his own book. So this book came out and I was totally excited. I get to find out more about Luke and he gets himself a girl but from reading this book, getting the girls aren’t his problem. We also find out more about Callie’s roommate, Violet. She’s a character isn’t she? And let’s start from the ending on this. That ending. Sorensen does know how to write a freaking ending. You kind of see it coming and then everything explodes into something so much larger than you expect and then you’re sitting there at 4 in the morning dwelling about these characters and wondering what’s going to happen. (That’s what I did with the first book, last year) I’m bitter that I don’t know what’s going to happen and mad that it’s not ending like I want it to end.

Characters: Let’s start with my favorite from the beginning: Luke. Before this book, I kind of knew he was a man whore, I knew he had issues with his mother, his father wasn’t around and probably a deadbeat and his sister committed suicide. Here’s what I know more. He’s more of a man whore than I realized, issues didn’t necessarily change (until you get to the end of the book) and his dad isn’t that bad of a guy. I still kind of love Luke through his drunkenness and his slutty ways. I know how he was protective of Callie and how he reacts to Violet so I respect him.

Violet: She was kind of a surprise for me. Sort of. All of Sorensen’s characters, that I’ve read, have major issues. They’re real issues and the issues aren’t skirted around. I didn’t expect some of her issues. Like the dealing and she was a virgin. Not that being a virgin is an issue, but it was something that surprised me because of how much she was alone with guys in the first 2 books, which if you think about, that’s genius. You’re getting just the narrator’s p.o.v., then you find out there’s so much more than you realize. I felt for Violet through the whole thing. She’s scared, she’s hurt and she’s surviving. Part of me kind of thought this was going to be somewhat similar to Callie and Kayden but it wasn’t. I feel like Violet was more scared.

Grayson and Seth: Seth disappointed me. He was so much more judgmental than I thought he would be. I was impressed with Grayson, I’m kind of looking forward to their story now.

The creepy “foster father” of Violet: I can’t remember his name off the top of my head. BOOOO. He was definitely a nemesis in this book. I don’t like him. Throw him in the river next book. I’m sure he owns a van and it can be parked down by the river to live in so it could look like an accident. If he doesn’t have a van, shame on him, he’s a drug dealer. He needs a van from the ’70’s.

I really liked the book. This series is what I need every once in a while.

Civil War and my Day.

Standard

I’m a nerd about certain things. Some pieces of literature, really cool stuff, things like that. Today we were looking something up in our genealogy files and the Great-Great Uncle of the doctor’s wife in town was in the Civil War and the uncle wrote letters and we have the typed up version of these letters. They’re not worth anything because they’re a replica but we have one of the copies of the typed up version. How epic is this? I love the language that are in these letters. It’s so lovely. Favorite quote so far, “I am in hopes to write you some gratifying news before a great while. Until then guess yourself into numerous fits of jollity”. It’s really fun to read because it’s a first hand account of things that are going on like the typhoid in this camp, the injuries, the feelings toward the government (some of this being the same feelings as people have now), the people he sees, etc.

This guy is very good-humored, I laughed several times, and a man who is torn away from his family by war. He writes a lot to his sister, Cassandra whom he calls Cassan, and begs to have her and others write to him. At the beginning he talks about being sick and seeing the wounded and I’m flipping through the pages hoping to find what happens to him, like a novel. I hit a picture of him, good-looking guy, and the next page I find out he dies in May of 1864 at Cold Harbor, Virginia at 24. I was torn up. I sat back in my chair and said “Ahhhhhh man!” really loud. Yeah, that happened. It was like Jamie and Claire from Outlander had died (and I think they will die in this next book) but this guy was real. He lived and died for what he believed in. He has a sister, brother, parents and cousins that he wrote to that he loved and loved him back. None of my cousins or siblings have been in the military so I don’t know how it feels to lose a loved one in war. I can’t imagine.

I obviously nerded out over these letters. But it’s not every day that you find stuff like this. I spent 2 hours reading these letters. I was involved with this man. We were friends. For a while, he wasn’t writing to Cassan, he was writing to ME! It’s a little for me to wrap my head around that I know people who have ancestors that fought in the Civil War and have the letters. I know that things like this are possible and probably more common on the East Coast but this is southwestern North Dakota. The only Civil War battle around here was the Battle of the Kildeer Mountains. I think.

I just started watching “The Cape” on Netflix. Can someone explain to me why no one guesses it’s Faraday? I mean, first few episodes he’s wearing just a hoodie. Please. Simplest cover up ever. I could just cut the hood off. You could un-disguise him in like 2 seconds. I never understood super heroes for that reason. No one really guesses their true identity. And how do they change so fast in their costumes? I mean, as a female, I generally take longer than a guy to get ready but by being low maintenance, it doesn’t take me long. So I want to know how Superman gets in that unitard and Batman gets in all that business. And I want to know why everyone was so quick to accuse Faraday. He was a good man. Was it because there were bad cops in the force previously? Am I overanalyzing this? Yes, they’re super heroes. I should shut up and accept their awesomeness.